Sarah Jean Alexander
Beautiful Dead Things
I was snowed in at my mom and dad’s house for three days. I spent a lot of time watching my 8-month-old niece crawl around the living room floor. People don’t even need to watch television anymore. There are literally babies everywhere.
And then I watched her nap. She was so still. I kept thinking she had died. I had to touch her back to feel it sink and rise, to make sure she was still breathing. I did this many times.
In total, she died and returned to life 8 times while I watched.
Children are too vulnerable. Keep them away from me. I don’t trust anything that I could kill with a high-five to the face. I don’t want to be responsible for the feelings I should have if one of them dies.
I don’t want to be the owner of a beautiful dead thing.
Rain washed away the snow and I drove home.
My cat stretched as I walked into my bedroom and when I laid on my mattress she put her front paws on her face and fell asleep that way. I thought, “You’re right. I know,” and then sat up and googled my ex-boyfriend’s name. There weren’t any new updates on his blog and I decided that’s a good thing. If he died, would anyone tell me? How long would it take. I would be the former significant other of a beautiful dead thing.
I ordered two lunch specials online from a Chinese delivery place because the minimum for a delivery order was $10 and each lunch special cost $6. When the driver dropped off the heavy bag of food I said, “Thanks, we’re all starving!” and ran back up the stoop.
In actuality, I had eaten breakfast an hour ago and there was no one else home. I ate both lunch specials while hiding under my covers. I started to feel really defeated. And obese. I watched three episodes of ‘Home Movies’ and started to feel better.
I now weigh 8 more pounds than I did this morning. Ha ha ha ha ha.
My bed smells like sesame oil and fish sauce. I place the trash from the Chinese delivery on the pillow next to me and create a cenotaph for the ‘lo mein that once was.’ I lie down, tuck my hands under my cheek and stare at the newest beautiful dead thing I’ve created. We close our eyes together.
I still pray before I fall sleep at night. Ha ha ha ha ha.
I hope Jesus doesn’t read my blog. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Are you laughing? Are you laughing.
God, I can hear you!
I can hear you!