Alexander J. Allison

Partial Transcripts Of Selected Phone Calls To London Metropolitan Police Force, 12 November 2012


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– Yeah, hi. Alright: cat’s dead.
– I’m going to need you to call out Cat’s name. Can you see if she is breathing at all?
– No, no: there’s a cat. There’s a dead cat. I’m calling about it.
– A dead cat.
– Yeah, I’m in Battersea Park and there’s a dead cat. It is almost definitely dead. It’s not on the road. It’s in the park. It might have hobbled into the park from the road. It must be dead. I’m poking at it with my toe right now. It’s a big, black one. Looks dirty. It looks like it must have been here a while, at least over night. It doesn’t seem to have a collar. There’s blood and stuff. It’s just here in the park. Seems like someone should do something.
– I’m sorry, sir, this isn’t an emergency. The police don’t –
– But what happens? What should I do?


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– [Indecipherable muffled sounds] Yeah. Fucking [Incomprehensible shouting] I’m on the phone now. I’m speaking to them now. I said leave it, Sharron. Leave it. Yeah, hello?
– You’re speaking to the London Metropolitan Police Force, what seems to be the matter?
– Right, listen: this man is taking photos. He’s stood outside, taking photos on his phone.
– A man is taking photographs?
– No, right: he’s taking photos. He’s snapping at me right now. He’s stood outside my fucking shop, taking photos through the glass, through my glass.
– A man is taking your photograph.
– Yeah, he’s standing right there. He’s taking my fucking photo. [Muffled shouting] Best start running, mate. You just start running; they’re on their way for you. Sharron, leave him. Get to the store room. Sharron, are you listening? Hello? Yeah – listen can you come get this guy? Now, please?
– He’s outside your shop, on the pavement?
– I told him to delete the pictures, but he said he wouldn’t. I told him to fuck off or I’d call the police, so here we are. Here. We. Are.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– Hello. I’m calling to report a suspicious object.
– Okay, sir. Where are you now?
– Let me just try to see. Hold on. [Muffled, walking sounds] The sign says Penton Street. Penton. That’s P-E-N –
– Penton Street, that’s fine sir. A car is on its way. Could you describe the package, please?
– No, it’s not a package. I mean, it might be. It could be a package. It is round and white. It looks very smooth.
– Is it in the road, sir?
– No, no. It’s on the pavement. I’m about three foot away. It’s just outside a doorway.
– Does the object seem to be making any sounds, sir?
– It’s up to my leg. I don’t know what it could be. I don’t hear a sound. It’s hard to tell. I’m not going to put my ear up to it.
– Is the object leaking any kind of material? Is there any liquid coming from it?
– No, it’s just sitting here. It’s on the pavement. What should I do? What should I do while I wait for the car? People are just moving around it. Nobody is doing anything.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– Yeah, he’s back.
– Who is back, sir?
– I called before. I called about the guy with the camera. He’s back. He’s outside right now. He’s got his phone pressed up to the glass. Little white guy, about thirty. Big black coat. I called before. He’s still taking photos of my shop.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– [Screaming, indecipherable] [name removed]! Stop it – I said stop hitting me!
– What seems to be the problem, miss?
– [Sobbing] My brother keeps poking me. He’s in my room and he’s poking me.
– Your brother is abusing you.
– He keeps pok – Ow, [name removed]! Stop it, [name removed]!
– What is your name?
– [name removed]
– Where are your parents at the moment, [name removed]?
– Mummy is in the bath. [name removed], stop it! I’m speaking to the police! They’re going to come and put you in jail.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– I want to report a domestic disturbance.
– Okay, miss. Where are you now?
– It is happening next door. I’m on Oswald Road. You should come to St. Oswald Road.
– What seems to be the disturbance?
– This is a semi-detached, right. And the guy next door is watching porn. I can hear his porn and it is disgusting. Listen. [Echo] Did you hear that? He’s got porn turned up to eleven and it is all we can hear and I want something done.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– Hi, yeah. Turn to ITV1 right now. My mugger is on TV. The guy who mugged me last year, he’s on ITV1 right now. That’s him there, in the audience. Did you see him? With the sunglasses and black jeans. Last July, he mugged me. He took my iPhone and my money but you never caught him. He’s there, right now. Front row. Every time the camera is on Jonathan Ross you can see him. Can you send a car to get him? This is a live show. You could just get him.


– London Metropolitan Police Force, what’s the emergency?
– It’s not an emergency. It’s only sort of an emergency.
– Sir, this line is for emergencies only.
– But they’re using my face.
– Who is using your face?
– On Facebook. There’s an advert. They’re using my face. It’s my profile picture. Christian Singles, it says. I’ll read it to you. The title says: Jesus Is Lord. Then next to my picture, it says: Christian and single? View photos of local Christian singles on ChristianMingle. Browse for free? Do you want me to take a screenshot or something? What are you going to do?


Alexander J. Allison (b. 1991) was educated in York and Manchester. His first novel, The Prodigal (Civil Coping Mechanisms), is available now.